On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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