how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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