I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
