remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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