I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
