The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
