This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
