alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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