just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hippo gnu deer
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
