It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
