I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
