the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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