I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
