ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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