Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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