Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
