I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am one with the molecules
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
