I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
