I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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