I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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