I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
