Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
