come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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