I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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