I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
