you didnt know i had herpes?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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