I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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