so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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