Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
