Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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