Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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