If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
