how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
