the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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