I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
