I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
