Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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