At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
