Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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