i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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