Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
