I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
