I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
