I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
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Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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