Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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