I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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