did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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