can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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