We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
