In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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