I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
