Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
