First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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