new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sext me about skeletons
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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