I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
