I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
