I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
