if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
